The Story of the Beginning of my Mommying

My labour was a progressive one. Even though I was inducted. I feared it might pose a challenge as I had not come into labour naturally. Hadassah was highly cooperative. She kicked all through my labour hours and popped out on a Saturday morning.

My joy when i beheld a rear view of a long, tiny, shiny dark form. Her hair was exactly what i had wished for. Dark and full. My anxiety when she wouldn’t cry and then she allayed my fears and let out that cry. My ecstasy was short lived . I had motioned to get up but the nurse gestured that I stayed still in my position. I would be on that table for another 24 hours.

I had a severe perinial tear that had to be stitched, bleeding that had to be stopped.
My little pumpkin was out but i became oblivious as i was in a state of unconsciousness and hallucination. I woke up intermittently to excruciating pains in my pool of blood until the doctors finally resuscitated me.

My life threatening experience disconnected me from all that joy I initially had. The only thing I felt was pain. I was badly hurting! My perinial area burned like wild fire. I bore this pain at daytimes and nighttimes were worse. I came down with baby blues and cried at every given opportunity. I just wanted to cry some more. I remember holding my spouse’s hand and crying In them. Nobody told me it was this tough. I knew it was going to be rough but not this prolonged night mare I had been through. I would later develop pile and sob from pains coming from every angle beneath me. I was an emotional wreck!

Motherhood did not come easy for me. Being already tired of nursing my baby when I had only just begun was what I never bargained for. I constantly judged myself for being so inadequate. I wanted to be a better mother. A mother who snapped out quickly of the negativity of the labour room. I wanted to be that strong.

Gradually, I came to terms with my new role albeit difficult. I looked Hadassah in the eyes onetime and told her it wasn’t her fault.

It was my choice and the result of my choice leaves me with no choice.

I had to love her! I thought she looked mean. Seeing her everyday, I grew to love her one day at a time.

I sang to her many times, I spoke to her about how I felt. I always said the words ‘I love you ‘ to her. Not for her but for me. This was to reassure myself that I wasn’t loosing it. I kept reaffirming my love for her every single day. It helped me heal and shake off all that negativity. Her first real smile and subsequent ones convinces me that I have always loved her and will always do.

At first, I thought I had regrets having her but not anymore. She is worth everything I went through. I believe She did not put me through it. She is my sunshine and daddy’s pookie. What I cannot categorically say is if I would make that choice again.